(April 2016) Why am I here: On becoming a truth-teller.

Two of my favorite writers and truth-tellers in the history of the universe did a podcast together last month. If it's old news to you, bear with me here, but I just listened to it today. Glennon and Rob, people. GLENNON AND ROB. 

Glennon Doyle Melton, of Momastery, and Rob Bell, of, well, Rob Bell. 

These people speak to my soul, to the very deepest parts of who I am, to the parts that are dying for oxygen, to the me I am desperate to be but not quite sure how to do it. These two people speak their truths and suddenly I feel true. All of me. Their words give me breath.

That all probably sounds pretty weird, but I'm not sure how else to communicate just how meaningful these people are. Anyway.

In this podcast Glennon talked about how she became a truth-teller. She was always a truth-teller, especially through her addiction - it was the addiction that was telling her truth when her words couldn't. And one day she decided to speak truth with words so that her addiction wouldn't have to. That struck me as so freaking ON POINT I actually said "YES!" out loud in my car. 

Now, I have never battled addiction. I think I have an addictive personality - addiction runs in my bloodline - and so I have tried to be extra sensitive to how I use things (alcohol, food, a credit card, etc) to help myself cope or feel better. I am prone to depression that manifests itself as this angry, irrational beast that scares me and so I am also extra sensitive to its triggers and its warning signs.

The threat level rises when my truth gets blocked. Barricaded. Obstructed. 

In season nine of "The Office," Jim and Pam see a marriage counselor who advises them to practice "speaking their truth" with each other. While it sounds awkward and forced at first, the more they "speak their truth" to each other the more the truth actually gets spoken. I know, that sounds redundant, but it's not. 

The thing about truth is that it will get out, one way or another. It's like gas pressure underneath the earth's crust. You can either be in control of its expression or you can watch as it erupts like a volcano, potentially destroying everything in its surroundings. 

Glennon uses her words to express her truth so that the truth doesn't get bottled up and cause explosions through destructive coping strategies (i.e. alcohol abuse, etc.). 

Writing isn't the only way to express your truth. It's definitely one way that I find healing and freedom for my own truth, but another way I do this is through singing. Some people paint. Some people take pictures. Some people sculpt. Some people design things.

Honest, creative expression is the best outlet for truth.

That's why I'm here in this place on the internets. This is where I speak my truth. And it's been difficult for me for a long time to feel able to do that, because, frankly, not everyone wants to hear about my truth. And for a long time I've been holding back because I just didn't want to "get into it" with most people. Some people. A few people. Who knows who people.

Maybe you can relate.

I just don't care anymore, though! I'm not here to be or do what other people think is appropriate. I'm here to be me. I'm here to speak my truth. I'm here to be honest with my words so that I don't completely fall apart and acquiesce to those angry demons that threaten daily to swallow my soul. 

Or may this is just extended winter talking.